Learning Italian: Caveman with Confidence

Learning Italian hasn’t been all effortless immersion and charming café conversations. It's been frustrating, and at times, downright awkward. It’s been equal parts progress and humbling moments.

In the early days of our relationship, family meals with Dario’s Italian-speaking relatives, I’d listen closely for my name, the word ragazza, or rely on my Spanish to catch context clues to attempt to keep up with conversation.

In the Beginning

I’ve been with my husband, Dario, since 1986. That’s almost 40 years of hearing intermittent Italian spoken around me. Dario often gets complimented while in Italy on how fluently he speaks and they inevitably ask where he learned to speak it so well. “Mio padre è di Napoli e mia madre è di Trieste. (“My father is from Naples, my mother is from Trieste") is his go-to explanation, one he’s recited countless times.

After all these years, I’d say I understand about 75% of spoken Italian, with the exception of some dialects (Dario's Neapolitan relatives) and conversation topics with vocabulary I'm not familiar with (our recent meeting with our Italian accountant, for example). But, even in those situations, I can usually follow along. In the early days of family gatherings, I’d listen carefully for any mention of my name or the word ragazza ("the girl") to figure out when they were talking about me. Over time, I picked up more through context clues, years of Spanish classes, and sheer exposure.

But speaking? That’s another story. Despite years of immersion in Italian chatter, my own language skills remain what I call "Caveman Level." I can usually get my point across, but there’s no grace or flow.

Spanish: My Frenemy

I took Spanish all through high school and college, even spending a summer abroad in Monterrey, Mexico during high school, so I figured I’d have a bit of a head start with Italian. And in some ways, I do. There are plenty of similarities in vocabulary that make certain words feel familiar. But more often than not, my Spanish background trips me up. I’ll instinctively pronounce things the Spanish way or default to Spanish vocabulary. Had I known I'd someday marry my high school sweetheart, maybe I would've taken Italian instead!

By no means was I ever fluent in Spanish, but apparently those brain neurons are still firing. It’s honestly surprising how much comes back, especially considering I haven’t spoken more than a few scattered words of Spanish since college. That said, learning a new language at this age feels different.

My brain just isn’t as elastic as it once was. The words are in there, but often accessed on a frustrating delay. I know what I want to say, I just can’t get to it quickly. I find myself walking away from interactions in Italy replaying the conversation and how I should have responded instead of my stilted string of unconjugated verbs and mismatched nouns and articles.

My Path to Italian Citizenship

In late 2018, Italy introduced a language requirement for citizenship by marriage. Before that, no formal proof of Italian proficiency was needed. But as of December 2018, anyone applying for citizenship through marriage must demonstrate by exam at least a B1 level of Italian. The requirement applies to all applications submitted on or after that date and must be met with a certificate from an approved institution. Unfortunately, this change came just as I was initiating the process to get my citizenship through marriage, so everything was put on hold.

At the time, we had no idea we would be purchasing a home in Italy a few years later, though it had always been a dream. For years, we traveled to Italy each summer, but we never stayed long enough for citizenship, or the lack of an EU passport, to be an issue. We were visitors, and that was enough. But a lot changed. Our connection to Italy deepened, our time there grew longer, and now that we split our lives between two countries, that citizenship has become more than a formality, it’s a key to building a future there. While I could always apply for other visas if we decide to live in Italy full-time, citizenship would simplify everything: no visa renewals, no time limits, just the freedom to come and go without restrictions. Plus, it is something I would be very proud to have earned.

Baby Steps with Babbel

Initially, I looked into some online platforms to see which would fit my needs best. I read reviews and compared Duolingo's game-like style with Babbel’s more structured lessons. I decided to give Babbel a try hoping it would add some much-needed structure to my studies.

While the Babbel is well-designed and the lessons are clearly laid out, I found the repetitive format and lack of real-world context made it hard to stay engaged. It sometimes felt more like checking off boxes than truly absorbing the language. For a quick brush-up or absolute beginners, Babbel might work well, but living in Lucca and wanting to connect with the language daily, I craved something with more spontaneity. So, I'm a Babbel dropout.

Lucca Lingua

A couple of years ago, I enrolled in an intensive language course at Koinè just steps (literally maybe 12 steps) from our front door in Lucca. My instructor was great, and the class was taught entirely in Italian (as it should be), but I was the only native English speaker among a group of German students. Over the course of the week, we covered everything from the months of the year, numbers to 100, and introducing ourselves—most of which I already knew, but the reinforcement was helpful. While I appreciated the immersion style and the fast pace, we covered a lot of material, often only scratching the surface before moving on to the next topic. I found myself craving more conversation practice to really make the language stick.

I was impressed by the advanced students I observed, several of whom have been taking lessons at Koinè for a long time. Their comfort and fluency showed what consistent practice and time in the program can achieve. If you're looking for a classroom setting in Lucca, I do recommend Koine. I also hear great things about Lucca Italian School (LIS).

My Italian instructor, Marco, was what I had been searching for in my language journey.

Finding My Groove with Marco

A few months ago, I discovered Marco after some of his Instagram reels with his student, Alyssa Vivacqua (@AlyssaAbundance on Instagram), went viral. I was immediately drawn in by the natural flow of their lessons and how Marco encourages learners to stumble their way forward, offering gentle corrections without interrupting the conversation. I was equally inspired by Alyssa’s bravery. Not just in learning, but in recording herself and sharing the process on social media, which is something I could never do! Honestly, I can hardly re-watch our recorded classes! Italian with Marco felt approachable and low-pressure, so I signed up for weekly virtual lessons.

From Lucca to Language Class

Classmates and neighbors—Amy and I bought properties in Lucca around the same time, and our stays coincided this summer, giving us the perfect chance to meet up again in-person.

Learning a new language is always better with company, so I thought it might be fun to take Marco’s class with a few friends. I reached out to some Lucca connections who seemed to be at a similar stage in their Italian journey. Amy and I had met shortly after we both bought properties in Lucca, bonding over our shared love of slow travel and authentic Italian experiences. Amy, who runs Away to Italy—a boutique travel company that curates personalized, off-the-beaten-path trips—is a bit further along than I am, and I invited her to join the class with me. Every Wednesday at 9 AM (4 PM when in Lucca), we log on together. Marco’s gentle corrections help us learn in real time. With each class, my confidence grows—slowly but surely. I still make plenty of mistakes, but I’m speaking more, understanding more, and most importantly, feeling less intimidated.

Marco’s style is conversational, organic and practical, exactly what I was craving. We spend the first 30 minutes chatting, followed by a focused lesson and practice. He keeps a live spreadsheet of words and phrases to review, which helps reinforce what we’re learning in a real, usable way. It’s forgiving, supportive, and finally feels like progress.

Living in the Present

I saw a funny meme the other day that said learning a new language forces you to live in the present—mainly because you haven’t mastered the past or future tenses yet. That pretty much sums up where I am right now! I can fumble my way through the basics of what’s happening right now, but telling a story about something that happened last week—or making plans for next month—still sends me into a mild panic. It’s a humbling, but I’m learning to embrace it.

On My Own, In Italian

Some of my proudest language moments have come during the rare times I’ve had to navigate Italy on my own. Without Dario by my side, who is often my incredibly convenient and wonderfully fluent crutch, I’m forced to rise to the occasion. That’s when I really push myself. Whether it’s buying freshly sliced prosciutto at the local market instead of grabbing the pre-packaged kind, stopping by a restaurant to make a reservation in person, or describing to the flower vendor in the piazza exactly what kind of bouquet I’d like, these small, daily interactions feel like mini triumphs. They might be simple exchanges, but each one reminds me that I can do this.

We spend so much time together, and I truly wouldn’t want it any other way, but it means I have to be intentional about creating these solo opportunities. They may be brief, but they’re powerful. It’s without the safety net of Dario's fluency, that I probably push myself the most.

Encouragement & Embarrassment

My Instagram algorithm now feeds me a steady stream of foreign language humor—some videos feature people genuinely struggling through awkward, real-world conversations, while others are just intentionally funny takes on language learning. They’re entertaining, yes, but also reassuring. I once heard a quote that really stuck with me: “Just remember, when someone has an accent, it means that he knows one more language than you do.”

It’s a helpful reminder when I feel embarrassed by my mistakes or self-conscious about how I sound. Speaking with an accent is a sign of effort, bravery, and growth—and honestly, I should be so lucky to speak Italian well enough to have an accent.

The Italians, for the most part, are incredibly kind and encouraging. Oftentimes they respond in English because they want to practice too. (This happens even to Dario.) Occasionally, someone will correct me gently, and once I recover from the embarrassment, I’m genuinely grateful—and it usually sticks.

I’ll admit, I wish I had started learning in earnest sooner, and also that Dario had taught our sons. All of them went through Montessori school early on, and we missed the “sensitive period” when learning languages is supposedly easiest. But it’s not too late. Our youngest is taking Italian in college, so there's hope! Our oldest, living in the Netherlands, is learning Dutch, so we're a multilingual household-in-progress.

Recommitting to Italian (and Citizenship)

Lately, I’ve been feeling stuck in a bit of a language limbo. I understand Italian fairly well—conversations around me make sense, I can follow along in shops and restaurants, and I rarely need anything translated. But when it comes to speaking, I’m still missing some of the foundational tools, especially around verb conjugation. I’m beyond an introductory class, but equally as far from fluency. It’s an awkward middle ground—too advanced for beginner material, but not yet confident enough to hold my own in conversations without help.

After our recent extended stay in Italy, where we managed to work remotely successfully, Dario and I both feel like we’re ready to start spending more time in Lucca. The biggest hurdle now is my ability to stay longer: as a U.S. citizen, I’m limited to 90 days within a 180-day period until I secure Italian citizenship through marriage. And at this point, the only thing standing in my way is the B1 language exam. That’s the goal. So, I’m recommitting. I’m stepping up my game and making a more intentional effort to study and practice beyond my weekly lessons with Marco.

These Italian verb flash cards are helpful with reinforcing my vocabulary and conjugation.

Being back in Virginia, without Italian all around me, adds another layer of challenge. But I’m finding new ways to keep the language in my daily routine. I recently discovered a podcast that’s been a great companion on my walks. It's casual conversations between two native speakers, highlighting vocabulary and even some games sprinkled in. I also picked up a set of verb flash cards, which I’ve started reviewing in small chunks each day. After years of passively absorbing Italian, I’m finally choosing to actively pursue it. Osmosis got me started, but now it’s practice, intention, and consistency that are helping me move forward.

Looking Ahead: From Caveman to Citizen

It won’t happen overnight (or even this year), but I’m showing up every Wednesday with Marco and trying to do a little more each day. Piano piano, sto arrivando. (Slowly, slowly, I’m getting there.)